How Now Devil Cow Read online

  I try not to take it personally. Honestly, I think I bring the life to the party, but that’s just my opinion.

  Lucifer paces back and forth, paving a trail in the office floor, dragging his cloak this way and that. I stare at his towering stature clad in black leather, his waist bound by a belt of blades. He’s an imposing figure of cut muscle illuminated by the flames in the raging hearth. A dark King of death oozing power and grace, making me want to stroke my teats …

  I have to remind myself not to pant in front of the Devil.

  “So, you fell from Heaven? Before you became a … cow?” He eyes my udder, clears his throat, and cocks a brow.

  I look down and realise I am stroking my fucking teats …

  “Oops, sorry.” I raise my hooves in submission and refrain from groaning at the sight of him palming his crotch while wearing a pained expression. “And yes. That’s exactly what happened.”

  Though if we’re being entirely honest, I plummeted, screaming, arms and legs flailing while the wind whipped my hair into a mass of tangles that ultimately doubled as a bug net. But he doesn’t need to know that. If he knew I was a hot mess beneath this head, he’d probably stop looking at me with dark, kinky sex in his eyes.

  “But you had wings. Why didn’t you flap them?”

  “Correct. I had wings. Turns out, I don’t make a very angelic angel, so …”

  He frowns, eyes darkening into two distant pools. “Let me guess. Snip snip?”

  I nod, sighing. “They tossed me over the side of Heaven.”

  He gives me the ‘Lucifer version’ of a sympathetic smile. “Ruthless creatures, those angels.”

  “You’re not wrong, Lucy.”

  “Lucifer.”

  “Same, same.” I shrug, exhaling a tight breath and shaking my shoulders, trying to dismiss the yearning absence of my wings. “Anyway, I landed like, I don’t know … four hours ago? During Halloween, which, as it turns out, is a big deal on Earth. Everyone dresses up in popular scary shit, eats a ton of rubbish food, and plays tricks on each other.”

  “I’m familiar with the holiday, Just Mollie.” He readjusts his cape then clears his throat. “Did you happen to see any, ahh … devils?”

  I place my hoof to my lips, thinking back. “Nope. Can’t say I did.”

  “Surely, you saw one.”

  I shake my head. “Hey, I know what you’re wondering.”

  “I doubt that,” he says, leaning against his desk with a pout.

  “You’re wondering why I dressed up as a cow!”

  “Wrong. But tell me anyway.” He sighs, glancing at the massive, handless clock hanging above the fire. “Take your time; I have eternity.”

  “Well, funny story, I landed in a paddock of cows—smack bang in the middle of an enormous pile of cow shit.”

  He rubs at his face, shaking his head. “Wish I hadn’t asked.”

  “My hair was full of the bugs I’d collected between Heaven and Earth, and I was covered in cow poo … definitely not one of my better days.” I shake my head, sending my udder jiggling. “But I’m a cup-half-full girl who loves to party, and it was Halloween. So …” I sweep my hooves down my body. “Voilà!”

  He stares blankly at me. “You were inspired by a paddock of cows?”

  I tap my hoof to my cow temple. “Exactly.”

  “And now you’re dead.”

  “Well, obviously.”

  He flicks a black coil of hair out if his face. “Wearing a cow suit.”

  “Cows don’t have wings, Lucy.”

  He shakes his head, huffs out a noise that almost sounds like amusement, throws me a sexy devil smirk, and strides towards me.

  Fuck!

  “Am I still grinding your satanic-nerve?” I ask, trying to keep my voice steady. “Because I’ve been thinking that you really don’t have time to flay me. Remember, you have another million or so dead people to delegate today, and time’s getting by.” I point at his non-moving, handless clock. “Tick-tock, tick-tock.”

  His lips curl at the side, gaze darkening to a burning ember. “Strangely, you’re grinding a different nerve now …”

  I glance down and gasp at the massive rod straining against his pants. Holy devil dick, I could hit a home run with that thing. It’s no Loch Cock, more of a close relative ... even so, I’m not sure I’d survive an encounter with it.

  “Was it something I said?” I stand, retreating back against an obsidian wall stretching between two flaming cauldrons.

  Eyes flashing with dominating power and desire, he boxes me in, squishing my udder, overwhelming me with his imposing size and stature. “It was something you did.” His eyes dip to my lips when I wet them with my tongue. “I have a thing for kindred spirits ...”

  I swallow thickly, shaking my head, trying to ignore the heat pooling between my legs. “Sorry, I don’t see the similarities. Only time I’ve ever burst into flames was when I accidentally set fire to my hair while blowing out birthday candles.”

  He shakes his head. “What I mean is, I’m also a fallen angel.” His gaze softens. “The bastards tossed me over the side, too.”

  “No way,” I say, looking at him in an entirely new light. I feel like this should be Heaven History 101, but nobody tells the crazy Heaven spawn shit. “Hey, that makes us drop out buddies. Go team!” I hoof-pump the air.

  “Hmmm, go team,” he murmurs, running his hand up to the neck of my suit …

  “Just so you know, under my cow head, my hair is a fucking wreck,” I manage to gasp out before he tears my suit straight down the middle, stopping at my midriff and exposing my breasts to him because, well, I’m conveniently naked beneath this cow suit.

  “Jesus fucking Christ.” He stares at my heavy, aching breasts, then cups one, rolling my peaked nipple between his fingers, sending shards of sparkling warmth cascading through me. He runs a splayed hand up my chest, over my clavicle, and tugs the cow face over my head before tossing it to the ground, allowing my wind-swept helmet hair to come spewing out in an untamed waterfall of gold that falls to my waist.

  His gaze roams over my face, wide and unblinking. “Holy fuck,” he whispers under his breath.

  “I look so much better when I’ve showered and done my hair.” I run a hoof through my wayward locks. “It helps when I’m not dead, too.”

  Lucifer’s fingers pepper my eyebrow, then brush down the side of my face. “They’re like oceans … I don’t think I’ve ever seen eyes more striking in all my years of delegating the dead.”

  My cheeks are burning from the compliment when he dips his head to my nipple, slipping it between his lips and teasing it with that sinful tongue—explosions of heat travel from my breasts straight to my core.

  I groan, biting my lip so hard it bleeds, because hell, the man really does know how to suck a teat.

  His hands enter my suit, travel over my back, and find the sensitive place where my wings used to bloom. With a heavy, feral moan, he caresses the area—hands working in small, rhythmic circles. I shiver as a delicious wave of pure ecstasy fills me—a deep, subconscious awareness that we share a common bond of loss.

  Groaning, he slowly raises his head, flicking his tongue across my body, my chest heaving with unquenched desire. His lips brush against mine, taunting me with the promise of a kiss.

  His hand roams past my udder and down between my legs. He cups my throbbing love nest and shifts his legs, pushing my own apart with his knees before dipping a finger into my arousal. “Fuck, you’re so ready for me already.”

  His words brush over my lips, making me moan.

  He slips another finger in, stretching me with tender, pulsing strokes. “And so tight … we’re going to have to work her up.”

  I rock my hips to the beat of his rhythm, back curling when he gently, smoothly, slides in another finger before rubbing a thumb over my swollen clit. Once, twice, three times—he watches me with a feral, burning gaze as I explode in the palm of his hand, my lady love throbbing around his fingers.


  “Fucking hell, yes, yes, YES!” I scream, writhing against his hand, head thrown back as he wrings every last drop of glorious pleasure from my pulsing cocoon. Throwing out my arms, I push against the solid stands supporting the massive, flaming cauldrons on either side of us. “Yes, oh yes!”

  The Devil, fingers still buried to the hilt in my vagina, lets out a gruff, startled sound.

  Sensing a change in tempo, I open one eye to see one of the cauldrons, slowly at first and then with fiery gusto, topple off the wobbling stands then fall to the ground with an almighty crash. A wave of burning lava cascades out—erupting in a hissing, flaming torrent that spews across the floor, collecting my cow head on the way and melting it into an unrecognisable blob of silicone, plastic, and fake hair.

  “The floor’s lava!” I bellow, and my vagina’s dropped like a hot potato. I’m suddenly being lifted bridal style and whisked out the door faster than I can say ‘moo’. We emerge into the dark, cavernous waiting room sparsely lit by small, contained pools of bubbling magma. He plonks me down and drags the massive door shut behind us, cursing beneath his breath and muttering something about his favourite cauldron being rarer than a demon’s halo.

  “Good thing that door’s impenetrable,” I quip, wiping a hoof across my brow. “It is impenetrable, isn’t it?”

  He nods, then looks at me like I’ve grown a second head. “It took four men to put that cauldron in place … it should be immovable.”

  “Pfft,” I throw him a wink. “Just give me an earth-shattering orgasm with the Devil and I’ll move mountains.”

  He quirks a brow.

  “Actually, I’m just really good at destroying things. Sorry about your rare pot.” My gaze drifts to the solid shaft perched between his muscled thighs. “Need a ‘hoof’ with that?” I purr, waving said ‘hoof’ at him.

  He clears his throat, glancing over my shoulder. I turn to see a roomful of seated dead people staring back at us, all of them waiting for the Devil to finish finger fucking me so he can get back to delegating their spot in Hell. Behind a stone desk, the frazzled receptionist is looking at us like she wants to throw some daggers, her red tail flicking back and forth like a whip.

  Lucifer reaches forward, hauling at my poor shredded cow and tries to cover my breasts. Unsuccessfully.

  “Not here,” he grinds out, throwing a scornful look at everyone and anyone who dares to catch a glimpse of my semi-exposed nipples. He grabs my arm. “Let’s go for a little walk.”

  “What about …?” I gesture towards his office door that has rolls of thick black smoke pouring beneath it.

  He palms his cock and shakes his head. “I’ll deal with that later.”

  “Sir?” The receptionist points to the horde of corpses, eyebrows raised.

  He throws her a winning smile. “Back in a jiffy. I’ve got a cow to skin.”

  Fuck.

  I hope what he has planned doesn’t involve that flaying knife …

  2

  We’re walking along a brittle trail perched high upon the face of a gorge cliff, littered with bleached bones, half-eaten carcasses, and the occasional large, scurrying bug-like creature with too many legs to count. Far below is nothing but dark clouds and large, circling birds with hooked beaks and wide, splayed claws. They pierce the clouds, cawing at the top of their lungs, the sound echoing through the gorge and making my skin pebble, despite the humidity.

  In the distance to our right, the opposing cliff rises—a vast, empty wall. Lightning scribbles continuously across the thick, puffy clouds suffocating the sky overhead—rolling thunder shaking the ground and sending the odd rock clattering down the opposing cliff face.

  “Where are we going?” I ask, sidestepping a shrivelled skull with patchy hair and singed horns.

  Lucifer smirks. “It’s a surprise.”

  We round the corner of the cliff face, converging on a small, sheltered area sparse of bugs, bones, and rogue boulders—as if it’s regularly tended.

  Perched on the edge of the cliff is a giant, beautiful orb; it’s interior swirling with indistinguishable life. Flanking each side is a guard—heavily armoured to their waists—each one sporting a thick beard long enough to tickle their exposed cocks, dangling long and low between their legs. Behind each of the guards, several snaking red tails with spiked tips flick and coil.

  Poor Lucy—he seems to be the only one lacking on the sexy tail front.

  “What’s this?” I tap the orb with the tip of one hoof, and a delightful ‘ting’ reverberates through the gorge. Suddenly the guards are beside me, but not before Lucifer grasps my wrist in his hand, a look of pure disbelief shadowing his features.

  “What?” I ask, sharing my confused gaze between Lucifer Firestarter and his two dicks.

  “That’s one of my most prized possessions,” he berates. “I journeyed to the outer core of the earth to obtain the liquid inside, which is highly combustible at such low pressure. If the orb breaks, number six billion, three million, two thousand and one, we’re all fucked.”

  “Are we really all fucked?” I ask, glancing up at his big, glowing ball. “Because that’s a pretty big statement.”

  “I haven’t tested the theory, but I think it’s best to assume the worst.”

  Hmm.

  The guards step back, and Lucifer ushers me away. We turn, continuing along the path a few steps before the sound of splintering glass shatters the still air …

  “Oh, Hell.”

  We turn in time to see the entire orb webbed in fissures, the two guards looking helplessly at each other, and then to Lucifer …

  “Push it!” he bellows, to which they comply, sending the sphere barrelling over the edge of the chasm.

  We stand in silence, staring at each other for around ten seconds before I turn to Lucifer.

  “Fucked, my arse. See, nothing to worry about.”

  A massive boom fills the air, followed by a deafening roar. Lucifer throws me to the ground and dives on top—a super sexy hero move that makes my lady bits go gooey—despite the fact that there’s fire and brimstone all around us, threatening to burn us all to a cinder.

  After a while, the heat and sound subside. I’m hauled to my feet by a disgruntled Devil and two charred guards who no longer have beards, or hair, or eyebrows, but thankfully for them, their family jewels made it out alive.

  I peek a look at Lucifer and breathe a sigh of relief when I see that he’s unscathed. Even his erection survived.

  “I’m really sorry about your pretty ball. I promise I won’t touch one again.”

  “You’re right about that.” He shakes his head, sighing. “Because that was the only one I had.”

  Oh … “Quite rare then?”

  “You could say that.” He looks at the charred destruction surrounding us, his expression one of despair.

  Oops. I think I really upset him.

  Keen to make amends all around, I pat the guards on their chests. “Sorry about your beards. On the bright side, good job the other bits survived. Eternity wouldn’t be the same without them now, would it?”

  But they’re standing next to the edge of the cliff and my small pats knock the guards off-balance, sending them both tumbling backwards. Thankfully, I have quick reflexes, and I make a mad swipe, missing their floundering arms but managing to grab a penis in each hoof, keeping them precariously perched on the threshold of certain death.

  “Phew, that was close.”

  I look to Lucifer for assistance while the guards bellow like castrated bulls.

  Lucy leaps to my side, yelling something that sounds like, ‘let go of their dicks!’

  Thinking he’s got this, I release the slippery suckers, quickly realising my mistake when the guards tumble into the fiery chasm, lit up by all that roiling fire I just unleashed into the pits of hell with the simple tap of a hoof.

  Their screams echo back at us, before coming to an abrupt stop.

  I wince.

  “I said don’t let go of their
dicks,” Lucifer roars, looking like he wants to murder someone. Probably the disruptive cow he’s somehow acquired.

  “Sorry,” I mumble, kicking at the dirt with my hoof.

  He grabs me by the udder and drags me forward. “Just … follow me. Closely. And whatever you do, don’t touch anything.”

  Guess I can’t blame the poor guy for being pissed. After all, I just drenched his office in flaming lava, unleashed a ball combustible liquid, charred the majority of his kingdom, and killed two of his faithful servants because I couldn’t keep hold of their dicks.

  I’ve only been dead an hour, and I’ve already set Hell on fire.

  I’d say things are going pretty smoothly.

  3

  The Devil’s room is nothing like I expected it to be. It’s all white marble with gold accents, with zero hints of the sulphuric scent staining the rest of Hell. It actually reminds me of Heaven.

  Perhaps he misses the place.

  There’s a spacious sitting room full of plush couches and fluffy white rugs, and an open window overlooking the fiery pits of Hell. He leads me up a spiralling staircase—which appears to be the only access point to his sleeping quarters—a loft perched above the living room with an enormous marble, four-poster bed caped in white linen and a luscious fur throw. I’m so glad this place avoided the wrath of that orb I just shattered.

  There’s a growl from behind, and I’m thrown onto the bed. Yes, it is as soft as it looks.

  I scramble onto my back.

  With another feral growl, Lucifer dives onto the bed and crawls on top of me, tugging at my cow suit and tearing it to shreds, sending a cloud of filling cascading around us.

  “You destroyed half my kingdom today.” Lucifer rakes his eyes over my aching, yearning, naked body.

  He snaps his fingers and his clothes disappear, leading me to think he could have just done that to my cow rather than shredding the poor girl.